Dead but Alive
by KissTheRainbow
Summary: She was dead inside but yet she feel so alive.


**Disclaimer: I DON'T own Mutant X and that's that.**

**This challenge is from mxangel (who also edited this story!) who said I have to write a Lexa and Jesse F/F.**

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My own death caught me by surprise. I never thought that I would die so young, sure I was reckless but Jesse was always there by my side. He wouldn't let me die but he isn't here.

I remember I watched him slowly faded into the wretched hold of the darkness. I couldn't breathe, I remember calling his name but he never came. I think I heard someone yelling and cried my name but it just a distant memory now.

I don't feel any fear, I never did. It foolish for me to be scared, everything seems to go wrong in my life. I suppose that is why I am so reckless, I have no fear. Sometime I don't have any thing to live for but then Jesse came along.

He made me live once more. He made me look around me, see more things clearer. And most of all, he made me feel loved once more and I love him back.

Nothing during my life with Mutant X could have prepared me for the dangers in my distant future. I cannot foresee the tragedy ahead?

The fight was harsh for the mutants that we were up against were well trained and got greater power. Brennan went down, then Jesses and finally Shalimar but I kept fighting.

I remember a sharp and painful jolt to my whole body, and then I just felt numb. I knew it was serious by the look on the faces of my friends specially Jesse.

I was dying and Jesse was dying deep inside.

I am dead, I can tell. I am walking toward a very bright light and then suddenly darkness. But it was beautiful; candle light was lit and is around the room. The air is fresh and slightly cold.

It was different from what I am used to. I was dumbfounded and I really wasn't very amazed because somehow I knew this was coming, the beauty was coming.

However I am still wearing the clothes that I was in but yet it was cleaner and softer. I feel neither pain nor fear but I missed Jesse.

I am no longer alive, I am not breathing. But in some way, I am glad that I am dead, it means I don't have to live a day without Jesse.

Yet, I am alone. Walking in the whiteness, what have I done? Why am I here?

Thoughts and ideas sprang to my mind. If I could walk, do this mean I could see the Mutant X one last time and to say goodbye.

I feel like if I am being held back and held down at the same time as I walked uncomfortable but I want to see the foolish person who has chosen to loved me so I can say goodbye one last time.

I just image the place I called a home and then I could pick out recognizable things from where I was…I was home.

I began to run to Jesse room. A rectangular room, the walls bathed in blueness. The floor was messy and the large bed sat alone in the dark corner. Jesse.

I sprung forward and cast a loving stare at the crying, shaking body. His face was filled with lines of stress and his hair was a mess very much like the room. He looks so helpless, asleep. He moved a little bit and gave a moan and a cry now and then. I slowly reached out, I so want to touch him but my hand went through his forehead, I am not longer part of the living things.

No words formed in my mouth, only a cry of the trees could be heard. Jesse stirred and cried out my name but then return to his normal sleeping position.

The light shone through his window but my shadow didn't appear. I am not even there.

What was the point of this? I couldn't speak to my lover, or comfort him. I am just a ghost with memories of my life and the part that I played in their life.

My heart sank and I began to cried or tried to. No tears of fear or pain trickled down my cheek. Crying is only for the living and I am dead. I can't even say goodbye or touch him for one last time.

Silence. Jesse turned, cried out my name once again and I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't say sorry, I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't scream, couldn't escape this hell. Was this how it would all end?

A man appeared, tall and thin. His face and hair was covered with dirt, but his eyes was so calm, not filled with anger which is what I expected.. They were calm, composed, not blazing with anger as I first expected. He came closer and closer. Creeping into my soul, I gasped and felt fear and guilt coming from everywhere. The man stopped.

"Lexa," he whispered. "Take my hand."

I paused. I needed to let go. I couldn't still here, moaning and groaning when nobody can hear or see me. I couldn't stay where I played no part anymore. This isn't my life anymore but I couldn't leave Jesse.

I glanced at Jesse anxiously. How much do I wish to hold him tight, to have fun? To be loved, to have someone to love. I want to trust again, I want to spend lots more years with him. I want to stay but I can't.

The man held out his hand.

"Please, Lexa. Jesse will be alright. I promise you."

I nodded mutely, and placed my fingers in his hand. His hand felt a bit like Jesse, so warm and so caring. Such a big grip, yet so gently.

I shut my eyes, and took a step forward, away from Jesse and my past. I have to leave, death was calling me.

Vision returned; Jesse's room had disappeared. Bright light took over and created a warm feeling and life. I studied the man before me, at last, I knew him. I finally felt at peace. Jesse would be facing troubles and many struggles to survive once again but he won't be alone for I will always be in my lover's heart, now and forever.

I smiled at Adam. I was dead but yet I feel so alive.

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